Things aren’t going to plan. I am feeling so many things…I am scared, I am frustrated, I am anxious and I am just so tired. I had my third post stimulation scan this morning. Post stimulation scans are the scan that you have after once the injections have started, they are to see how well the ovaries are being stimulated and how ready they are for ovulation. Last time I only needed one of these scans and I was ready to go, this time I’ve not been so lucky. The scan today showed that my eggs are still not really maturing 🙁 The lining of my uterus is thickening though, which is a good thing, this means I am producing oestrogen BUT I need those eggs to grow. I have lots of eggs still but the problem is that they are all latching onto the hormone so it is being spread thinly rather than one or two eggs latching on, I just need one! The scan today showed the same thing unfortunately so I am still not ready to go. They have upped the dosage and are hoping this will give me the surge I need but I am not feeling confident, I think there is a strong chance that I will have to abandon this cycle.
I know I have not been trying for years like some people, I know that I have been lucky enough to have never lost a baby and I know I am only on my second round but IT’S NOT FAIR!!!!! All I have ever wanted in my life is to be a mummy, I have never found the man to give that to me so have made this brave and terrifying choice to go on this journey alone. I am SO fertile, my AMH is really high for my age so I should get pregnant easily. Why did I have a near perfect cycle last time and then bloody “bad luck” got in the way and prevented me from getting pregnant and then this time I have a cycle that can’t work out what it should be doing.
The nurse was very clear that we aren’t giving up yet, I think we could potentially be a whole week away from that decision but UGH!!! I am trying to stay calm and patient but am failing. I feel like a burden on my mum and sister who are now having to take it in turns to come with me for the scans because it is half term, and I feel like a nuisance at work because we keep making contingency plans and then having to change them. And all I want to do is eat chocolate and cry!!
I like a plan, I live for a plan, I HAVE a plan….it is not going to plan.