Today I am going to talk about scans. Scans and emotions, but first of all scans.

I had my second scan today to see what kind of action was going on in my ovaries. Last week I had a baseline scan on day 2 of my cycle, this was to see what my uterus was looking like, whether I had an appropriate lining and to make sure my ovaries were clear and had no cysts. I passed last week’s test. This week’s test needs a retake. First of all, internal scans are not fun, especially to those of us who have issues with anything going on “down there”. Last week they had to do it twice because my ovaries were hiding and they ended up seeing more through my tummy – which I think is hilarious because I have a lot of layers of fat to see through!! Back to today, same happened and the horrid internal scan that made me cry didn’t show much and she had to do an ultra sound through my abdomen. My right ovary had about 8 lovely eggs starting to mature, and there were about 3 on my left but none of them were big enough yet. And I believe the lining of my womb was a bit too thin as well.

So I went today expecting them to book the IUI procedure in for Friday, and now I am returning to the clinic for another scan. IF I am ready to go then, they will do the procedure on Monday, but I might not ben ready for then so I would then get another scan on Monday and they will do the IUI on Wednesday. I am doing ok now but I felt a bit like the goalposts had been unexpectedly move this morning. It is perfectly normal for this to happen, I just responded so fast last time. This has made me wonder maybe I responded TOO fast before, that my body didn’t really know what was going on and got a bit cocky and over excited by it all. Perhaps I need more time, perhaps I need it to go more slowly and carefully. If it happens on Wednesday next week that is day 15 of my cycle, perfection ovulation time.

I feel very mixed tonight. I was very positive yesterday, I realised I will be utterly devastated if I do not get pregnant regardless of how I feel right now so I might as well feel positive and hopeful about it. It is so hard though, I feel calmer this time around because I know the process and I trust in it. I know the people at the clinic and that is helping so much, they are so lovely and kind, but I am more emotional. The stakes are higher. I need it to work this time, it has to be my turn.