I am currently only a few days away from my due date and the rumours were true these last few weeks have been the longest of my life!!
I’ve had three “two week waits” in my journey to have a baby. Those two weeks between ovulation, and treatment in my case, and the day your period is due…will it arrive? Those two weeks last a lifetime and are filled with so much anxiety and obsession, I remember saying at the time that I knew when it finally worked those weeks would feel like nothing compared to the last month of pregnancy and oh my goodness was I right!
I was fine until I hit 37 weeks but making it to full term had a huge impact on me. How could I actually have got that far? It still feels like a dream most days which is crazy because I just have to look down and see how enormous I am to know that it’s definitely happening! I panicked at this point too, suddenly it felt like she could come at any minute and I wasn’t feeling at all ready! I felt like I desperately needed the 3 remaining weeks and even though I really am ready I just wanted to hold on to that last little bit of time where I am only me, before I am never only me ever again!
By the time a whole long week had past and I hit 38 weeks I was done! I crossed the threshold into ready and have stayed there since. I had a very important appointments that week and now they are done she can come when she’s ready. I think it didn’t help that I have had so many people tell me that I won’t make it to my due date, you hear it enough and you start believing it…I’m 4 days away from my due date and I think I’m going to go over to be honest.
I feel frightfully guilty when I say I’m done and I really don’t want her to come before she is ready. I’ve been ready for her in my heart for 20 years now, I’ve been emotionally ready to be a mummy since I was a teenager and it always makes me think of that heartbreaking scene in Friends when Chandler says he will learn to be a dad when they have their baby but Monica is already a mother just without a baby. This is me, this has always been me. So I don’t want to wish the end of my pregnancy away, I am still cherishing every single moment of it but I am also so anxious to have my baby girl in my arms.
I feel so lucky and privileged that I was able to get pregnant and grow my little miracle, so much so that I still wonder when the luck will end, when someone will laugh and say “don’t be silly! You’re not allowed to actually have your own baby!” I’m terrified that it will still be taken away from me at the last moment and it has been a dream and I won’t get to be a mummy. This is hard, this makes the last few weeks feel like a lifetime. I know I am far from alone in these fears and thoughts and have thankfully found a few like minded neurotics to freak out with!
I have been told that I will know when labour starts…this is quite frustrating! I do believe everyone who tells me this and I know they being reassuring but how will I know that I know? I know that I’ll know when I know but what am I knowing?! It’s all very confusing. I’ve been advised to keep busy which would be a great thing to be but it’s hard to be busy when you can no longer drive and can barely walk! I’m feeling a bit stranded and box sets are my friends.
I know that she has to arrive in the next couple of weeks, she cannot stay in there forever! But when? Tonight? or in 2 weeks time? I’m not very good with the unknown so if anyone wants to drop me a message to keep me occupied over the final stage of the pregnancy I’d be more than grateful!!
I really hope my next post will be to announce her arrival!!